Sunday, May 15, 2016

How To Find Your Fiance

So I recently got engaged and I had a lot of my friends ask me: how did you go from being "the single friend” to being wifed up? Well I think it has 50% to do with chance (where you are & who you randomly meet) and the other 50% is your mindset. Now am I some kind of expert on this? Absolutely not, but I did have a specific way of looking at relationships this last year that I think helped me focus on finding what I truly wanting and I tried breaking down the process into 5 tips.

(Don't enjoy reading? Video version at the bottom)

If you’re reading this and think- “I don’t need a man. I’m a career woman and I think this whole thing is b.s.”, you’re right if that’s what you feel is best for yourself. There is no right way to do life. Getting engaged is a very commonplace event, as you can probably tell from your Facebook timeline, even though it usually only happens once in a person’s lifetime and feels very special for the couple. But I believe a woman getting a promotion or a degree is much more newsworthy #girlpower. 

Getting off of my Gender Studies horse, here are the 5 tips for a good mindset of someone who does feel like they’re looking for a serious relationship post-grad.

1.) Be in the right place 
This first all starts with you. If you think that a relationship is going to fix something going on in your life, or fix your self-confidence- it won’t. So before you even consider bringing someone into your life you need to make sure you’ve got yourself centered. I think this is why the saying “you’ll meet someone when you least expect it” can ring so true. Because it’s when you’re at the happiest and doing your own thing that you’ll be the most ready, so to speak, to meet an equal partner. 

2.) Know what you want
I knew that when I went to college that I would eventually move back to Florida. So while I was in undergrad I never really took guys too seriously because I knew that we would eventually be on different life paths. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t get my feelings hurt though. 

Being single is so fun, you go out with your friends, your flirting, everything seems so carefree and young! But when you feel like you’re perpetually single it can get a little tiring and it can start to feel like you’re just scratching the surface and only getting the superficial level. 

So while I think that college was important for figuring out myself as a single individual I knew that once I moved onto the next phase in life that I wanted something more serious as far as a relationship. Once I went to law school I decided that the next person I’d date i’d end up marrying. But wait, how could I be so certain? The next steps tell my process for finding the right guy for me.

3.) Know what you're looking for in life/in a partner
Now this does not mean going out to bars and looking around for your future husband. Don’t be weird. What I mean was that I was no longer going to approach relationships with the casual demeanor I had before and I would no longer be dealing with “time wasters”. 

A time waster is all the guys I dated in college- they might teach you a good life lesson that you can carry on into future relationships but ultimately you wasted your time. In undergrad I was comfortable with time wasters because like I said before I was going to eventually be moving to Florida, but once I made the move- what did I want? 

This is the part where you do internal reflection to decided what you think is best for you. For me, I’ve always wanted to get married on the young side, be able to have all my kids sometime before 32, & then grow old with my soulmate while going on fun adventures. That’s truly what I desired on the family/relationship side of my heart and sometimes that can be hard to discern and clarify to others. 

Then you have to think about what you're looking for in a partner. I wanted someone who was kind, a go-getter, funny, family-oriented, and supportive of the fact that I want a kick-a$$ career. Now if that came in a tall package with dark hair and blue eyes that would just be an extra bonus.

4.) Be on the same page
Now that you’ve decided that you have your ish together, you’re tired of being single, and you’re ready to meet someone serious- you need to be on the same page. This does not mean that the second you meet someone you start talking about how you want babies, marriage, and want to tie them down in the first 5 minutes. Like I said before, don’t be weird. But if you hear someone in the beginning of courtship say something like “I’m not looking for a relationship”, “I don’t date”, “I only do casual”, “I’ve never had a girlfriend”, “I’m not looking for anything serious”, etc- RUN FOR THE HILLS. 

Seriously just cut your losses and move on. You can never really change someone's mind about their views on relationships and I mean do you really want to? And then when you’ve wasted like three months of your life on worrying about their texts and meets ups you get left with this- “I told you I didn’t want a girlfriend”. NO MA’AM. That’s some college stuff and you’ve got to discern these attitudes early on so you can avoid those time wasters. 

So how did I determine in the beginning that my fiance and I were on the same page? We just talked and talked and talked when we first meet. I mean it was insane how four hours at socials would fly by and feel like 10 minutes. Those initial long talks told me a lot about him; He was 25, same law school, UF alum, Catholic, enjoyed going to mass, loved college football, and more importantly it was the way he treated me. He was considerate, listened, remembered, and he never really hit on me- he was truly just trying to get to know me as a person. After talking for month he asked me to be his girlfriend- there was no b.s. We were always on the same page in our initial courtship and we never had to have those awkward “what are we” talks- it just flowed naturally.

5.) Be honest
This might seem obvious but I find that when talking about guys with my friends this is where we can struggle the most. When your partner asks how you feel about kids, marriage, or your future- don’t lie! “But what if my ideas about marriage scare him off?”- good then. If you’re looking to get married within the next couple of years then he probably isn’t the right guy for you if he’s frightened at the topic of marriage. 

Let's say you want to be engaged within the next two years. Even be honest about that and frankly stick with it. You can recover after a year or two of a relationship failing but you get in a five year relationship post-grad in which you were desiring marriage and then it fails? You’ve just wasted five solid years of your youth not heading towards what you truly wanted out of the partnership, yikes! But this can be avoided through honesty with your partner/yourself and keeping to your word.

If they ask you how you feel about kids, be honest. You want two kids one day but he wants none? Don’t pretend that you want none, be truthful! And again you probably want to move on if you truly differ on this type of subject.

You want to be a power house in your career and have kids but he comments about how he doesn’t envision his future wife as a working women- be honest! If he says something like “that’s ridiculous, my wife will never work”, then definitely not the right guy for you. You want to be clear on these important topics early on because there’s someone out there that feels the same way as you. There’s no need to waste your time trying to convince someone on these big issues.

Bonus Tip.) Core Values
Opposites attract are absolutely true- having differences is what can make a relationship fun & spicy. But should you really differ on something like core values? That’s what we were discussing above. Core values are what you are really made up of as a person. Like, do you have the same views on religion? If not, do you guys have the same view on inter-faith relationships and how that will work for your combined future? If so, that’s great and ya’ll have the same core value on the issue!

Some other core values are views on family, politics, fidelity, relationship dynamics, working & how you treat each other. While a relationship can overcome differences in these core values, it can just makes it easier when they match up.

Hope these tips help on getting yourself in the right attitude for meeting someone serious if that’s what you're desiring. It really helped me and opened myself up to the most amazing man whom we share the same core values and continuously support each other through this journey called life.


1 comment :

  1. Hello.....Girls are always in a dilemma about why and how maintaining a date can be so difficult. Men also have problems on how to entertain their dates and how to get them interested in the long run. None of us can actually answer these questions with actual tips and surefire plans to win a successful date.See more-Love Advice For Women in Florida